Tuesday, January 04, 2005


i'm in foxtown. the sky is nothing but cloud. the city only looks good this time of year, when the corners and edges of things are actually green, instead of brownish grey.
i am surrounded by people who would have been little children when i was living here. they are blatantly high-school people now, and as lousy and noisy as we were.... or at least i must suppose we were that loud.
my friends from those days, when i was in high school here, i've seen a few of them since being here. "A" has only five or so months to go before the navy lets him out. he doesn't know what he's doing after that, but i don't know anyone who knows what they'll be doing in 5 months; only those who believe they do. it's the belief that counts. it's the belief that i lack; that i simply can't grasp anymore. the faith has forsaken me, has forsaken many of the people around me. it's easy to forget it; what the point was in coming here, in doing any of these things. i used to know, or i thought i knew. i used to think things would be obvious, when they got to where i've come to. instead they are like a cement wall. impenetrable. pointless. purposeless but for obscuring.
My dad has printed out countless pages for me about culinary school. this dawned on him just yesterday: that I should go to culinary school. he's been on this trip about it ever since. i've been nodding and feigning excitement, just to calm him down. i haven't told him that i have my own concepts, my own school in my head. i have accepted that my dreams are only damaged when i let others see them, and so i have opted for the moment to remain silent. but let me tell you that i have figured the price of this program to be about $2500, an amount of money which i do not have, but have been fantasizing donating an egg or two in order to aquire. i fantasize too much. all over each step of this scheme i've covered with fantasies about what may happen. nothing i fantasize ever comes to pass, not even close. when i fantasize about making friends, i meet absolutelly no one. when i fantasize about killing myself, it never winds up happening. when i fantasize about a new job, i find myself still unemployed. it kills me in every way, the way i manage repeatedly to fail to get employed by anyone. by even fucking taco bell. it makes me really insane, actually, to think about it. another reason why i need to stop fantasizing; it just makes me crazier and makes things seem so pointless and meaningless.


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