Tuesday, January 18, 2005

exhaust

I'm so exhausted of limetown-- it exhausts me even before i'm there. The thought of going back to the place in a few days is exhasperating. I don't want to be a part of that place right now-- memories of it make my stomach ill... even foxtown seems kindly by comparison; i'd really rather stay here longer... thing about limetown is, they seem to think that once i'm there, i'm going to be there for good... that is, that i'm just *there* now.... the same way they are... just THERE... going to be there... always been there... always'll be there... i grow sick, sick, sick just thinking about going there, and being stuck there, where i hear the rain has been keeping them wedged indoors. every indoors place i can think of there is just a trap of greater or lesser size... Then again, my 2 houses in foxtown are also grimly mirroring each other, playing tag.. now that my brother is out of the picture, i am the lone offspring to toss back and forth; all the weight of both families on me alone. i wish i had something i was *doing*, that counted as *doing* something in the eyes of anyone else but me. all i do is earn piddling for tasks others count as worthless or demeaning, or inconsequential at best. my psych said i needed an "activity" or something... something to get me "connected"-- i told her the internet makes me feel connected, but she said no, no-- that doesn't connect one to others, not in any deep meaningful spiritual way. all the people i have that "connection" with in limetown are just people i want to run away from. i don't even want to be awake at the same time as other people right now; limetown is such a cold dead shelterless place, like you're a moss clinging to a rock... i just cant stand living so pointlessly... like just surviving another day, just waiting for the day when that survivial is useless... it makes me so angry i can barely contain myself...

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