Monday, December 13, 2004

arrows

In the last week or so I have felt really that I will die, if I don't find a reason to live any longer. I have screamed at heaven in my mind; what have you put me here for? And things I've done have lacked joy, or any moving motivation for their doing, other than to progress on the treadmill; a treadmill that has looked more and more like a sorry excuse for proceeding on with existance. I have thought that I cannot live any more in that place, that Lime place, with its walls of people crumbling around me everywhere; everything going to shambles, into just a massive mess. I can't do anything right there. I can't do anything right in the "real" world outside the university walls. I can't even put a meal together, basically; I find nothing with which to nourish myself. Everyone has become an accuser, and people who I thought I would know for years into the future have revealed themselves as jackals at the heart. And so I ride under a valley-time sun shaded with the cloud of grave misunderstanding or mis-awareness, and the orange trees are on either side of me, where they have always been. In and out I go from this pandemonium, throughout my days. I suppose i must have felt this way in college from time to time as well; screaming at the sky to have given me a reason to endure all of this, some purpose in my being here for I see none, none before me, none around me, only orangefields... And it is impossible to say really what is going on when one is in that situation. My body feels it will break under the pressure...

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