Monday, October 25, 2004

the other company

that funny little company i supposedly work for; every time i show up at their meetings, in fact every time i go to their office at all, there's something very memorable that i see or hear or that someone tells me or announces. what i'm supposed to be doing for this company, in terms of "work," is going out and getting other recruits for the company, getting my friends and relatives to sit with one of the representatives of the company so they'll either buy the product or be recruited themselves, trying to find people who seem like they'd be able to get their friends to either sell the product or recruit others who can, and buying the product myself. Nightengale calls it a pyramid scheme. I tried to tell him that it's not, that it's "network marketing," and he replied, "oh, network marketing; pyramid schemes, they're all the same." i only sigh. i forget that that company even exists sometimes. it was really disheartening and dissapointing, when i got accepted into that company, and the "job" i thought i would be getting wasn't going to be paying any money; that all these other people in this company have other jobs, that i would be asked whether i'm "part-time" and that that would be referring to some other job, and that this whole thing was alot less like a job and alot more like just a big damn game. now, if i were the kind of person who would be good at this game, then yes i would be making money. but i'm not them, it turns out. there *are* some folks who can make money at this; i turn out not to be one of them. the company is very much not about the product; it's very much all about getting more people to join the company. eventually someone sells something; but it doesn't even really make sense to even work that hard at selling the stuff yourself, because you make so much more money if not you, but someone you recruited sold it; and more if it was someone who *they* recruited, and so on. there's someone way up at the top whose got money pouring into his pockets every hour of the day while he's just sitting there. now, this is not a pyramid scheme: a pyramid scheme means there's no way for a person at the bottom to get to the top; and the only ones who ever benefit are the ones who constructed the pyramid. this, at least, is from what i understand. Network marketing means that every one of us knows a certain number of people, our friends, fam, whoever, and they become your "market" when you join this thing, and they either get involved or they become customers; and the bigger the market, the richer everyone can get. this works great for some personality types; and people who are willing to totally adopt that mindset and outlook. if you have any qualms or hesitations though, you're screwed; it won't work. you have to become a willing ant to the system or you'll be stumped and you won't get any further. those who can, those who are; they have alot of fun-- it's wierd how much fun they have, in fact. you should just see them; and it's so authentic-seeming the way they glorify the company and talk about their work. i wanted to be there so bad; i was willing to do anything, really anything, to get a job i liked like that. i was desperate for money and willing to do just about anything to get it, and actually doing something *enjoyable* seemed like better than i could have even hoped for. but they asked too much. i can't become that. i would have, if i could have done so; but i'm not the one they want. bless them that are, i'm not one... Every time i go after a job and fail, there's this brief window, right before i fall, in which i'm seeing the world through the eyes of a different person; this job-title that i never thought would be mine, and i invision myself as this totally other person i've never been and i feel lifted, elevated, like i found my keyhole, my role or someone to act as in this life. and then i'm let go from that position, and i'm back on the concrete again and the world is nothing but grey and brown buildings and paranoid-faced people who are also making next to no income and have nothing that they're looking for but money.

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