Thursday, October 14, 2004

desires and dreams

I reappear on Cloud Mountain, as I always have. Here i am again to escape the life I was beginning to sink back into, the life I have in Limetown. It is dangerous, my thoughts during the drive tell me, to let myself become a part of any one, single life. These days i am always thinking both forwards and backwards; forwards with penatrating, furious curiosity to determine what is there that i must be going towards now; and backwards in desparation to the past, trying to find what it was that was there all along, what clue i had as to what my life would be like, before all of this happened; before these columned buildings standing on Cloud Mountain claimed my life and drove me here, before the excommunication and my subsequent bantering about sad Limetown, before the mad events of this summer and this september, the storms, the fools, the forests... I think back and try to recall what it was I thought I would be doing after college, before I entered it. My memory is vague, and from what i recall, my vision of possible futures was even vaguer. Of the things i can recall, the images of what my life would look like, the vision that comes up most often is that of a constant shifting; a constantly changing life; a life made of many myriad different lives all being experienced simultaneously. I imagined travelling between points on a map as transversing between separate worlds; as though they were separate versions of myself. I had dreamed the most, above other things, of being a person of many goals and many faces, many places in which i live, many fellows in different places; different projects to work on, different friends and families in different lands, and slipping easilly between them... at least, that is what my current self sees, when it looks upon that self of long ago... If that is how, and where, truth is to be found. I find more and more that if i fail to put out an answer, when people ask me "what is it you want to do?" the response i get is "what's your dream job/lifestyle?" and when that fails, they just repeat, with drama: "what is it you DREAM of doing? What would be your Highest HIGHEST ambition/goal/desire?" I find it hard to believe that they could comprehend my "highest highest" ambition/goal/desire, and this kills all possibility of my trying to explain it to them. But if there is any use in looking to one's desires and dreams, for one's best bet as to what one ought to "do", then I suppose I must look back to the last time i can remember having desires and dreams for my life; which was in high school. These days, my desires and dreams for my life are just a long list of negatives; i don't want to live in Lime anymore, i don't want to live with roaches, etc., and this evidently is not enough. I just can't seem to positively imagine a future life for myself; not one that I'm satisfied with. All my attempts to imagine up a daily routine/dream job for myself leave me with an image which, very rapidly after conception, begins to whither and deteriorate from desire, look burdensome and boring, and finally repulsive, even the opposite of the way i would want to live. And the people still criticize me for not having dreams, for not having goals and moving towards them, for not having a vision and focusing in on it, for not "going for it." But truly, it's amazing how it works; I could sit down and try to fathom up a dream house for myself, or a dream job, down to the last detail; but the fucking thing becomes repulsive, abhorrently so, almost the second it's complete. The first thing a leader has to have, so i am told, is a "perfectly clear vision" of what they're after. I suppose I am hopeless on this note. But again, when i drive through those tracks between sad little Limetown and selfish little Cloud Mountain, and i happen to have in the radio a tape i made in high school, when i was dreaming in foxtown of living in a place where i could hear techno music (my ambitions were so modest then, it seems now) the closest music resembling techno which i had access to... I recall a strong desire from afar, from which i have far drifted in these times; a desire simply, more or less, to float. I have no desire for one single dream house or dream job. Fuckers need to realize that or fuck off. My dream is not to have only one house or job. My dream is to get my jobs done. Fuckers never will be able to comprehend that, I fear, and I therefore am wasting my time trying to explain. My Company, that pretty little organization of which I'm still supposedly a member, lectures us each week that we need to go after our "desires and dreams," and then perhaps will come a list of what those things might be, and they go something like this: a new house, a new car, school for the kids, new TV, new sofa, new carpet in the living room, vacation and travel... And soon the room is nodding and making the faint sounds of desire, and I am thinking "that's all you fucking want?? That's what all this is about, that's what all your efforts are over, just a pile of trash??" The CEO talks are interesting. I'm sure that my inner reactions to them are nothing like what the intended effect is supposed to be.

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