Saturday, September 11, 2004

story

i have this strange feeling that if there was a novel written about my life right now, or this chapter of it, it would begin with the drive home from the desert. not the time in the desert itself, just the drive home and the aftermath. the world continued going on while i was gone but really, i was in a decided state of change. i am just recovering now, just becoming sort-of the one i ever was before... the insurance person... the art-person... just getting back to cooling off... the songs of the gods, while still there, are not so noisy in my head as when i first arrive... picking up the pieces has been a matter of just doing justice to all the remaining fires within my head, which that torch lit out there... very different, very many things going on; as many as were going on before but all a different matter now. and certain realms of my life will acknowledge that i was there and others will not, but all of them will have been altered for me, and i have no way of knowing yet which ones will register that change, and where my changing perspective will have gone unnoticed. is it like this every year? can every new yearly fire bring about such dramatic revelation? can a body undergo this annually and survive? of couse i am one who is very severely shifted and rather easilly so these days; that has been just the kind of year it has been, and i have actually been more than eager and ready at any moment, for a life-changing circumstance. i notice that the sense of urgency does not attack me now the same way it did before, though--- returning to the Company, i felt myself embraced by an imposition of panic, hectic messages that i "could have been doing that this whole time!" and that "people with what you have are making $XXX per year right now!" the Company is big on hurry, big on panic; it's how it runs, since it has such a loose structure otherwise, such a voluntary and do-it-yourself type of organization, that it must instill a sense of inadequacy and rushedness to make people go... but it had a lesser impact than it may have had; i have the feeling that "you need to do this" doesn't really mean today... or that something bad will happen if it isn't done soon, or that things will be bad somehow if they aren't done by a very short time from now, just because they say so... there's nothing that really urgently needs to be done, in the near future... just the things they tell me need haste, just because they want me to be more useful faster... but things can't be hurried: they don't know what they're dealing with with me. they have no idea. really, they have no idea who or what i am, but i don't honestly think they want to know, either. that's not what interests them about me...

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