Saturday, September 18, 2004

lime

limetown has had the effect on me which i had feared it would have, but it took a trip out of my skin to find that out. i knew, somewhere deep down, that i would have to fight back against Something about that town, which would threaten to take me as its own. it is a strange latentness; a strange languishing laziness that overcomes a person, makes the hometown a hole instead of but a single point upon earth's curvature. after travelling on my own across state lines and across several days, the world feels different; the distances between places, not so far. but after a couple of days in limetown, the rest of the world outside starts slowly to dissappear. to not make a difference or not really to be an option to inhabit; everywhere else seems just too terribly far away to go. i didn't want this to happen; it makes life frightening and unkind, and going anywhere feels like an unfair task to be asked to do. i wanted to clean myself of this feeling, i wanted to drive and drive and drive on forever. i didn't even want the fingers of limetown to come into my house, the private cell of my car, the same air i was breathing. i wanted the face of the earth to go on feeling broad and flat, and full of possible places and people to be. but sinking into limetown, i forget the feeling, and a dull grey horror of voyaging outside its boundaries starts to rise in me, like a kind of tart mold clinging to my every move and making every choice much harder. i don't know what it is about the place, that makes this happen. i don't know what it is about myself, that makes this happen. it makes me want to flee, it makes me want to run away this very moment, and find some way to live, some means of existance, wherein that feeling of endless opportunity remains with me, and doesn't expire like a hothouse flower kept in the basement.

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