Sunday, August 22, 2004

weep

i sat in the exam prep course today... i really, really longed at that point, while pouring over insurance tax and annuities, to just be a kid watching cartoons or something... i felt very wobbly, insecure; like 'what am i doing here? i can't do this! i'm way unpreparred! it's like i've got a recipie book to memorize by tomorrow, containing every possible recipie for chicken-- and i've never even tasted chicken! only heard about it on the news..' and i had an erosive feeling of desolation, and during break i walked outside and wondered if i really want to do this--- if i really CAN do this... the sun was cold... the trees were bluer than usual, and the streets weren't noisy at all... and then i left the place, to pack my brain with facts here in this coffee-place, at this internet terminal (and of course to bitch about the whole process here in blog). tomorrow i drive... i look forward to the drive... i actually, look forward to the drive more than i look forward to anything... all i want is out of here... all i want is a long, long trip somewhere, not to be anywhere near, for a while... i actually have been sitting dreaming about that drive, between here and SouthPlaya for the last several days... i've been longing towards it, to be just out on the road, alone with my music and the wind... and then the radio changes, the trees change, the patterns of the drivers change, and then finally the arrangement of the buildings on the rocks on either side of the highway change, and we are in a different place... the new ocean appears; the whole general sense of things shifts... gradually re-accumulates over a new metropolis... from where i sit now, i can see the school from which i graduated, it has been a year now... the touch of things is different here than Limetown. the folks are different. their contours, the way light itself treats them, shifted in reality from the dust that covers every particle of life in Lime... sometimes that song appears in my head: 'we've gotta get outta this place, if it's the last thing we ever do--'... sitting here i realize that something i really miss about this place and hate about Limetown is the memory of feeling okay walking outside at night. there is no one in my region now, that tiny place, who can fully understand the degree to which i hatefully despise being forced to be fearful, even though i am not, of the night. i hate it, and will never fully forgive any place which makes me feel that way. to feel trapped is hell. to be trapped, is the only, the one hell. trapped anywhere is hell, i don't care where it is. there is no place in existance where one can be trapped in, and be alright. to not have a way out is to have only death. only death's way out....

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