Saturday, August 14, 2004

walked into an art gallery today...

I was wandering around my little Limetown today and the door of an art gallery was open, so i went inside. on the walls was an exhibit of photography, and it seemed the photographer had a thing for flamenco dancers. in a corner, and through a different hallway, was a string of photos on other subjects, and one of them was this intriguing image of a male body arched backwards, just a torso, and wearing black shiny pleather pants, his legs on the ground under him, and in the background, above this body, were a few pinpoints of fire. it was in black and white and an awesome photo. i thought for sure it must be a posed model who the photographer had had dressed in pleather for the photo shoot. but then i looked at the label under the photo, and i saw that the title was: "Mutaytor fire dancer" and my heart just about shattered! I looked at other pictures in that hallway, and there were other photos of performers with the band Mutaytor... the coincidence is that i had just become aquainted with Mutaytor; they just about became my favorite band, the very first time i saw them; but what really had intrigued me about this band, what had really swelled my heart and turned on the whole of my desire, was that their band came with a whole troup of performers: it was their impassioned dances that had caught me and held me their and given me to the act's total devotion: very seldom had i witnessed such total abandon, such complete revelry and convincing display of rapture as those fire dancers that spun flame to the techno beats of Mutaytor-- i had never even imagined such a show before i saw it... and it had made me, upon seeing it, to burn with an ancient and strong desire which i have always had, to perform... and those photos, this photographer who was so interested with the rapture of dance, the looks on performers faces as they are in their trances, had captured just that aspect, in those few photos of a mutaytor fire dancer, a mutaytor hoop dancer, and a mutaytor angel--- and oh god it made a feeling erupt inside me like my heart was bleeding suddenly; a feeling almost like that of jealousy and almost like that of extreme desire---- the longing to be that one, thus enwrapped, thus engaged in the movement... i have craved that exertion for the better part of my life, but oh so rarely am i on a stage; oh so rarely am i given the chance to use my physical self to give the illusion; engineer the capacity to see beyond, as art is meant to make happen... i looked at the body twisted organically and so impassioned over itself in that photo again, and i knew it was such a different image than the one i'd first thought i was looking at... a captured moment of someone's fury converted into beauty... ah, such a hole has existed in my life since the last time i was on a stage... i don't even care what kind of stage it is, a rave would do, but i must find my spotlight again... most of the time i settle for the life in which i am a user of my hands to make everything i need to create; but in another life i am an actor always; like i have infinite movement and nowhere to put it and nothing to do with it... i am confused where to start, though... where to begin.... but seeing those photos made me ache, and i left that gallery with such a strong lusting longing infuriating desire, just to go and be around that band again... connect myself to them, to that feeling, to the rare and pleasant satisfaction of so strange a need...

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