Monday, August 16, 2004

anxious

most of my anxieties were given me by other people, and most of those anxieties have directly to do with age. the world seems obsessed with age. obsessed with youth and then obsessed again by older and older age. i have always been a little discusted by that, but now i feel myself getting swept up in it. Being rushed along by everyone's in a panic: and i am at the same time pressured to rush certain things, which i'm supposed to have done by now; and harped on by those who think i have so much time that i ought to do it differently. Everyone seems to think i'm going either way too fast or way too slow: everyone seems to think i'm either too young, or too old for myself; and their insistance is becoming more intense all the time, like i'm approaching a pressure point, or some wierd cosmetic fulcrum at which everyone will look at me and see both an incredably old and an incredably young person. there are certain things, which some people insist i need to do while i'm this young, and which other people scoff that i have my whole life to do. it's hard to take advice from anyone, when everyone has such an intensely strong belief to the extreme opposite of every other person who has anything to say about it. and all of it just makes me want more to be gone, and dissappear, and leave here and just be alone and far away from all of this yammering, screaming constant daily panic. the rush of others, making it seem like my decisions are more life-or-death than they really probably are...

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