Wednesday, August 25, 2004

27 million dollars

the CEO said: "i want you to imagine something! if 27 million dollars hit your account right now, if you just suddenly had 27 million dollars in your bank account, what would you do? What would happen is you would become the real you! your real self would come out, free from the financial burdens and all these barriers, and you would fully pursue these dreams you're keeping bottled up!" i imagined 27 million dollars hitting my account; and the one and only thing i imagined myself doing, was travelling-- my first and sole thought: if i had 27 million dollars today, i'd be GONE--- and the CEO continues: "you would get that great car! that great house! that great shacuzzi!" people clapped and yelped but i thought no, i wouldn't want any of that. i would have NO desire for anything, but to travel all around everywhere, and not be back... and it was the fact that he kept listing things, and others in the room kept clapping after them, that were all these material posessions; and realizing that what all these people want is nice new things, and that i don't have any compulsion towards any nice new things, and that travel was all there is- the only thing there is-- that really made me write down in my notes: "the ONLY thing i want in the world is to travel it-- i don't want anything else at all right now." not love or companionship or a stable job or a nice home or a sweet husband or a rockin car or a disco super-suit or any crap like that; just a ticket on a plane and a way to go and not have to be back for any reason, for a long time... then this morning dad says; are you thinking about moving away from that little room of yours yet? and i say of course, but i don't know where i would like to live. he says; keep thining, darlin. i tell him, for the first time: that what i'm really thinking about is to do the back-packing-through-europe thing, and then he bursts out laughing and repeats, with more emphasis: "KEEP THINKIN, DARLIN." and i think, very sadly and privatelly to myself, that i might have to fight tooth and nail or break some necks or slit a few throats in order to get the only thing i want, but that i might have to do it-- might HAVE to do it-- if that's what they force me to do--- if that's what they feel compelled to CORNERING me into having to do...

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